This is a question I've been thinking about since probably the week Sawyer was born. If you've been with me that long, you'll remember that I started out at home, and then transferred and had Saw in the hospital. He was in the ICU for a few days (low oxygen levels, broken clavicle, and concern about cloudiness in the lungs--he was fine!) and so we spent two days there. I wanted to start thinking about this question back then, so that I could have a lot of time to think about it. I have definitely decided to go for a home birth again, but here are some of my thoughts along the way.
About laboring at home
I loved the freedom of being at home for most (or half?) of labor with Sawyer. I was able to move around and labor however I wanted, which included being in our hot tub outdoors as well as lying in my bed. I had great care throughout, felt safe, loved, and surrounded only by people I knew and loved. They were all comfortable as they waited because they weren't just in a waiting room somewhere. It was so much more difficult than I had thought, but Rob was intimately close to me, and was the only voice I heard or needed to hear, other than Cathy updating me on my status or that of Saw. I trusted her words, advice, and counsel, and when we decided to go to the hospital (because of my exhaustion and fluctuations in Saw's heart rate), I felt comfortable, like it was MY decision.
About laboring in the hospital
I had almost all of the interventions that I did not want, from epidural to fetal monitoring, to pitocin, to an episiotomy. However, at the time, I also felt that I got to choose. I asked for the epidural, and was so tired that I didn't care what the hospital did to help Sawyer out. I even asked for the episiotomy when I felt two exhausted after two hours of pushing to push any more. I did not love my doctor, but was told by those who know him that he was having an off day, coming down from a 40-hour shift. I knew that Cathy was still there running interference, talking to the nurses and staff for me, and doing all she could to help with my labor, including laying hands on to help turn him from posterior to anterior (which worked!).
After Saw was born, he was placed right on my chest as I wanted. It was such an amazingly joyous moment! He was taken away way too quickly to be checked, and then immediately to the ICU. I had a strange sense of peace about the separation, though I had wanted to have him room in with me should I be in a hospital, and though I wanted to start nursing immediately. He needed their care, so I relaxed and trusted the doctors and let myself be taken care of. The nurses went above and beyond care for me, and I felt safe and comforted and peaceful having the time to rest, despite the fact that I was separated from Sawyer. (It seems selfish now, but I really did have a peace about him, and needed the rest.) The next few days I enjoyed being waited on any time I pushed a button, and did not have to feel bad that it was a friend or family member serving me--it was someone who was paid to do so. I hated the visits with Sawyer because they were so public and cramped (once they put Saw, me and Rob in a closet to try and nurse him because the ICU was too crowded). Overall, though, I was surprised to find that my experience was actually pleasant and good, despite the fact that my birth was almost the opposite of what I wanted.
Thoughts in general
After taking all this in, I feel peaceful knowing that if I have to transfer again for any reason, I am happy with the hospital and know it's only moments away. I had a birth with things going ways I didn't want, and it all turned out okay. That being said, I hope to finish birth at home, and know that if I made it through such and intense experience once, I can do it again with God's help and the support of my family and midwife team. I'm scared because I know how hard it was and remember thinking during labor (even AFTER the epidural) that I didn't want to ever do this again. But I also know the joy at the end of the struggle, and that there is an end. I can't wait to meet little #2!
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