So, I'm trying to finish reading one of the books I'm supposed to get back to my midwife today (which I have a sneaking suspicion I'll be keeping for another two weeks) and the chapter this morning is on birth mentors, something that I'd never really thought of in this way before. I definitely had friends that I spoke frankly about birth with--most specifically those who had home births like Stacy and Kelly, but also I talked with my mom and my sisters in law and my mom in law. But this book (The Lord of Birth by Jennifer Vanderlaan) takes this concept even further, pointing to the relationship that Mary (Jesus' mother) and Elizabeth (John's mother) have in Luke 1. As soon as the angel tells Mary she's pregnant, she goes to Elizabeth (who is six months pregnant) and spends three months there. We don't know, but it can be assumed she was there for John's birth.
Here is what Vanderlaan says about the roots of this mentoring idea: "For thousands of years, women shared their births with other women in the community, their friends and family. The women would assist the mother by helping her stay comfortable and providing the medical help that was available to them. The mother would assist the women by her example to those who had not yet given birth. In this system, both the mother and the community women benefited. This also ensured that each generation of women would be prepared to undergo labor and birth. When birth was relegated to being a "medical" event, it was moved from the supportive community of women to lonely, sterile hospital wards. Suddenly, women were expected to know how to give birth without really understanding what would be happening to their body. Instead of learning the skills necessary to give birth naturally, women were only told stories of the pain they would feel."
When I first read this, I was kind of nodding but also kind of thinking, that's not a full picture. We have so many books now about birth that are honest and talk about the nitty gritty of birth, even from the "medical" perspective. I just picked up The Girlfriend's Guide to Pregnancy at a going out of business sale, and the author there tries to be as honest as possible about things. There are loads of books like that. And--blogs.
Yes, we are being more honest and forthright about some of these things than women were in, say, our mother's day. But, can reading a book make up for the community that was lost when birth shifted from home to hospital? (This isn't to say you can't have community in a hospital birth; but that when, historically, birth changed, the community was left behind.) I think that we're getting to a time when the idea of women coming alongside is growing with the increase in doulas, among other things.
But Vanderlaan's proposal goes even further--that as women, we should have a mentor that is someone whose birth we take part in, from pregnancy on to actual labor and delivery. And then we should be a mentor for other women. This, she says, is how women can really learn about birth. They don't take the place of a doula or husband or midwife at birth, but are present and serve in whatever way is needed, while getting to experience this event that they will also experience.
It's a neat concept, but I find myself bucking against it a little bit. I think because I'm in the point now where I'm thinking about who I want at my birth. And although I love my friends, there's also that nagging sense of privacy that kind of makes me feel like I only want family (and my midwife team) there. Of course, in my last birth, the Pope could have been there and I wouldn't have noticed. (Is that offensive, MaryBeth??) So, anyway. Something to think about. I mean, I really love the idea of community, and the level to which she suggests women should be involved in each other's births is definitely lacking today. But am I ready to fully embrace the idea of being a mentor? Or being mentored? It's kind of blowing my mind a little bit.
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