If you're a christian, you may have heard this inside joke before. Why not pray for patience? Because God will answer in the form of something in your life REQUIRING that you have patience. As in, showering you with the things that make you most impatient.
On Thursday morning, after enduring a very long and hard Wednesday with a sick Sawyer and Rob working until 9pm, I prayed for patience. I found myself Wednesday night and Thursday morning getting to that point where I just wanted to stand in the room and pull at my hair and scream. You know--that point where you just kind of lose it. As soon as Saw left for school, I was thinking about those moments and feeling ashamed and disappointed that my tolerance level wasn't higher. I don't want to lose it, whatever "it" is. I hate that. Yes, it's stressful, especially with a sick child and still adjusting to having two kids. But really? Couldn't I just handle things with a little more grace and patience?
So, I prayed for patience. Here's what happened.
I was getting some great writing done later that morning and enjoying the peace while Lincoln slept and Saw was at school. About 11am the school called to say that Sawyer had a 103 temperature. That morning I had sent him since he seemed to be feeling fine and was down to 98, without the aid of Tylenol. I remember thinking, Uh oh. I prayed for this, didn't I? His temperature was down a little when he got home and Rob put him down for a nap, which lasted basically until Rob walked back out the door to return to work. A few hours later, his temperature was 104, so to the pediatrician we went. Yup--another ear infection. Apparently this can also make their throats sore, though in the past it hadn't. This time, his throat is red and irritated and he's pretty congested. They tested for a bunch of other things (strep, flu) but it's just the ears.
From then on, it was like a comedy, kind of. You know--the sort of movie where the heroine has one thing after another come crashing down so that you laugh as she muddles her way through the day to a great soundtrack and a happy ending. Except there wasn't really music, and so far, I don't see the ending. From the big things, like Saw not sleeping since Tuesday night, not even for naps, to the little things like having ten things fall out of the fridge and either break or fall on my toe or spill everywhere, it's just been that kind of week. Rob's had to work a lot, so I've had several bedtimes with both boys, which often means two hours of going back and forth soothing someone who's crying, only to have them wake up 30 minutes later. Forget little things like personal hygiene or meals. (I'll be honest--I smell.) It's been hard.
And yet, since I know that I asked for patience, every little and big thing has been a reminder that I want to be growing in this area. That, in fact, I REQUESTED that God help me in this. I definitely do feel like I'm at the end of my rope, and called in for reinforcements today. Buck and Lynn have Saw for the morning and afternoon, and then he's spending the night there while we go to roller derby--a much-needed relaxation and treat for me. Even though it's been maybe the hardest week I've had since having kids, I feel that I'm in a better place than I normally would be. Not that I'm in a great place, because I definitely feel like I could dissolve into tears (or pulling my hair and screaming) at any moment, but I do feel aware that God is with me and can sustain me and is helping me to grow. In a kind of sick way, I am thankful for all these things, despite the fact that I'm utterly exhausted on every level. When I've found myself reaching that point with Saw where I'd normally unravel, I'd remember that I prayed for patience, and then I would find that I really could make it through.
The moral of the story is, I guess, that you should only pray for patience if you really, REALLY want that prayer to be answered.