Sunday, February 26, 2012

Things That Won't Make Parents Blink

I was trying to think of a better way to phrase this.  What I mean is that I'm going to make a list (and won't you help me in the comments??) of things that, as a parents, you won't blink at.  Or think twice about.  It's the new normal.  Let me start my list and then maybe also in the comments someone can help me with a better blog post title.  I clearly need some sleep.  This whole list was inspired by the first thing on the list, which has been sitting on my counter all day.

-Diapers in random places.  Like the kitchen counter.  Clean OR dirty.
-Having a runny nose wiped on you.
-Wiping a runny nose off.  Maybe with your hand or shirt sleeve.  On purpose.
-Phone conversations with adults that are punctuated with phrases like "STOP CLIMBING ON THE TABLE" or "I said SIT DOWN."
-People breastfeeding in public places.
-Intermittent screaming and crying, or even both simultaneously.  Yours or your children's.
-Forgetting to shower.  Maybe for like a few days.
-Finding an old, dried-up piece of poop somewhere in your house.
-Needing to sweep under the table at least three times a day.  And often NOT sweeping three times a day even though you need to.
-Dirty looks from non-parents in public places.
-Projectile vomit.

This is a short list, really.  Most of these things have happened to me personally in the past few days.  After walking by the diaper (clean) that was sitting next to my coffeepot all day (why?), I decided to make this list.  Some of these things are universal.  Some of them are personal.  I don't imagine that a really super neat mom is going to find poop in their house.  BUT YOU NEVER KNOW.  Kids are wily.  And poop seems to travel.

What else needs to go on this list?  Or, if you're not a parent, are you particularly horrified by the nitty gritty of parenting details?


  1. -Cutting up someone else's food at every meal.
    -Using the bathroom with the door open so you can see what's happening out there.
    -Trying to catch barf in your hand instead of jumping out of the way.
    -Waiting to see the reaction of a fallen child before reacting.
    -Creative swearing "Cheese and rice! Who buttered the dog again?!"
    -Listening to the same Laurie Berkner CD 4,000 times in a traffic jam.

  2. I'm terrified! But also laughing. You and bomb have some crazy stuff on those lists!

    1. Be warned, Feisty! But I think as long as people can SEE the humor in it, it's not so bad. The days where you just can't find it funny are the ones where it's a real struggle.

  3. ER nurses knowing you by name.
    Carrying a purse big enough for diapers/wipes/changes of clothes.
    Eating off the floor.
    Sticking a pacifier in your mouth to "rinse" it off.
    In my case, hearing my kids swear because they heard me say it.
    Finding Halloween candy from 2002 in couch cushions.
    Kids hiding in the clothes racks at stores.
    Stopping other people's kids when they are running from their parents.

  4. Having someone try to see what is going in the toilet....while you are on it!

    Picking someone else's nose, with or without tissue.

    Continuing to drink out of a drink that has obvious floaties in of crummy mouths.

  5. drawing on the wall, door, floor, anywhere...
    constant chatting about nothing
    crying at the top of the lung
    sweet kisses on your body
    getting chewed on (literally)
    pre-teen boy mood swing
    trail of clothes, toys, shoes, all over the house
    sticky glue all over the table
    drawing all over the little people's bodies, face
    "decoration" all over the dog
    child eating with dog "lady & the tramp" style
    child & dog sharing food, each taking a lick
    child cutting own hair, other kids' hair
    kids locking themselves in a room
    kids get stuck on dresser, counter top, book shelves
    boys doing their business in the open
    kids sucking on their toes, after being outside in the mud
    kids swallowing rolly polly, squishing worms with bare fingers, petting on frogs and garden snakes

  6. -Walking out of the grocery store only to realize you're covered in stickers and have been the entire time that you were in there.
    -People assuming your two year-old is saying naughty things when he names all the engines from Thomas & Friends (i.e. Thomas = dumb@$$ and Percy...well).
    -Having to explain to people about the kids' imaginary friends: "No, no. Rory and Sarah have a baby that they left at the store because they're imaginary..."
    -When your four year-old gets on the drumsets at Guitar Center and he's so good that instead of telling him to get off, the employees hand him drumsticks.
    -Getting free things everywhere we go because "they're just so cute!" My boys are going to have a complex.

  7. - Never being left alone. Ever.
    - Reaching into your purse to find your keys and pulling out a plastic phone, transformer, half eaten bagel, and a pair of underwear all held together by some mysterious sticky substance
    - Eating the other half of the sticky bagel
    - Being peed on in the middle of the night and being too tired to do anything more than toss a towel over the wet spot
    - Being handed chewed up food
    - Calculating the ratio of breakable objects to stimulating conversation when considering social invitations
    - Leaving in the middle of something (grocery shopping, dinner, movies, a party) because your children won't behave
    - Having your heart hurt over things like lost teeth, haircuts, shots, and birthdays


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