Tuesday, March 5, 2013

What You DON'T Want to Lose Post-Baby

Six months after my first child, I was five pounds less than I had been when I got pregnant. But I had also lost something else, something hidden. Something you couldn't even see when I wore a short athletic skirt to roller derby practice.

I discovered this loss practicing with the Psych Ward Sirens. As a Fresh Meat skater waiting to be drafted to a team, I had to make the rounds between the three home teams. Each one had its own personality and wanted to see how the rookie skaters fit in with the team dynamic and skill set. If there is one thing the Sirens are psycho about, it's their workouts.

After two intense hours on skates in Proctor Park running through derby drills, we changed into tennis shoes for the off-skates portion of practice. "Is there a bathroom?" I asked one of the girls who was lacing up her shoes beside me.

"I generally pee in that house," she said.

She was not pointing to an actual house, but a playhouse next to the swings. Under the halogen lights above the park, the interior of the playhouse was dark. "Um, isn't that where kids play?"

She laughed. "Not at night."

I was debating the morality of peeing in a child's playhouse when the team captain shouted, "LET'S GET MOVING!" Mistilla the Killa outlined the regimen while I watched her legs--tiny, but like a gymnast's, taut with muscle. We would be alternating running, burpees, squats, and something that looked painful and involved a kettle bell.

It was on the first of five laps that I realized that I was peeing in my pants. With every step I could feel my pelvic muscles contracting and loosening. I tried flexing different things or locating which muscles I should be holding in, but nothing seemed to work. That was the moment I realized my pelvic floor was gone.

Guess I should have used the playhouse.

I can think of few things more humiliating than peeing your pants as a grown-up. Especially when you are a lowly Fresh Meat in a roller derby league, hoping to impress a tough-as-nails team. But by the end of the brutal workout, I was drenched in enough sweat that a little urine went unnoticed. (Black tennis skorts are also helpful when you need to hide a pants-peeing incident. Just in case you wanted to know.) I was feeling pretty proud of making it through the tough practice, and a little less self-conscious since no one was blatantly staring. No one had noticed that the rookie peed her pants.

"How'd you like Siren practice?" Sick Nick asked me with a grin as we walked back to our cars.

"I think I peed my pants," I said.

She waved a dismissive hand. "That's nothing. I pee my pants all the time. The price of motherhood and derby."

Apparently, I didn't need to worry about what would have been shameful in some other context. If you're going to lose your pelvic floor, roller derby is safe place to do it and admit it.

Or you could just pee in the playhouse.
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Joining up again with the fabulous community of writers who blog and bloggers who write at Yeah Write. Come read and join in the fun.

38 comments:

  1. This is hilarious! For the record? I'm glad you didn't "go" in the play house. Way to maintain integrity.

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    1. I think it probably has more to do with the fact that I ran out of time... I mean, yes, I have integrity.

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  2. Haha, I love this! I too am glad you didn't go in the playhouse. And I think it's awesome you skate.

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    1. It's lovely. I miss it now that I'm pregnant, ruining my pelvic floor again.

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  3. Love it! Thanks for not going in the playhouse :-) I would have accepted you no matter what. Cause I know from whence you came.....

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    1. I'm glad you still would accept me. Because I've definitely peed in worse places. Well, maybe not. Or, I guess it depends on how we judge things.

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  4. I just went and saw roller derby for the first time last week. It was really cool. Those women were tough! I also am glad you didn't go in the playhouse. Ew.

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    1. It's a fabulous sport. Totally love it! It requires a certain something, but also builds a certain something.

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  5. Love this! Maybe I will join a roller derby team... (In addition to the pelvic-floor thing) it sounds like a ton of fun!

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    Replies
    1. It's really fabulous. Totally life-changing! You should check for a nearby league. I will warn you that it's kind of like a drug.

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  6. That sounds so fun. I knew you were awesome.

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    1. Ha-thanks! Peeing your pants is definitely what all the cool kids are doing.

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  7. This is great! I already have a weak bladder without kids, so I know I'm basically going to be peeing all over myself after kids. My buddy just started a derby league in my area...I'm thinking I'll have to tryout once I have kids.

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    Replies
    1. Do it before kids!! It's such a time commitment that after makes it really insane. Though it's a great way to retain that sense of self post-child.

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  8. Oh yes. I have peed my way through several martial arts classess. I can no longer jump repeatedly without peeing. A little troublesome because the pants are white but what can you do?

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    1. Wear a diaper? Get surgery? Is there a surgery for that? It's nuts. I had trouble jumping on a trampoline before kids anyway, so, yeah. Now I'm okay running, but I learned that lesson the hard way.

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  9. Thanks for the tip on the black skorts! As a fellow pee-in-pants girl, that definitely will come in handy! I love that you are a roller derby goddess - so awesome!

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  10. I teach tap dance and make myself use the bathroom before each class. After four kids...

    Hubby thinks I should try roller derby. I have a figure skating and martial arts background. Who knows? I'm a redhead, so I think my derby name would be Lil Orphan Slammie.

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    1. Great name! Seriously, derby is like a drug, and if it's something you think you might like, especially if you have other sports you do, give it a try! It totally changed my life.

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  11. Roller derby? You are so bad-ass! Also, thanks for not peeing in the playhouse. Gross!

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    1. It's amazing! Yeah, there were many problems with peeing in the playhouse.

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  12. I pee my pants everytime I try to jump on the trampoline with my son if I don't go first...

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    1. What is it with the trampolines? seriously.

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  13. Oh, the joys of peeing your pants! :) Glad you didn't get shit from the veterans. And, I think you just gave me a new band name: Pelvic Floor. Thanks!

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    1. I read this to my hubby and then we had a very serious discussion about whether or not he had a pelvic floor. I don't THINK so. But I'm not sure. Either way, I think he wants me never to use that phrase again, so he won't be listening to your band.

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  14. A rite of...leakage? ;) This is hilarious!

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  15. In my career as a mom, I've found playgrounds are less and less appropriate for kids. Guess what teenagers do there at night?

    I laughed so much at this post I almost peed my own pants. It wouldn't be the first time for me, either.

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    Replies
    1. Yeah, ew--playgrounds. Some of them are still okay, but some... ew.

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  16. So glad I don't have to worry about my kids playing in playgrounds anymore!!!
    ...and, I'm with Patty! :)

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    1. Probably most playgrounds don't have people peeing in them. Well. Maybe not? I guess I haven't read a study on it.

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  17. It is what it is...we do what we have to do. You are such a STUD!!!!!!!!!

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    1. Well, thank you very much. And yeah, the pee just happens sometimes.

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  18. Roller derby sounds so very exciting. I wish I could do it, it looks like so much fun.

    The peeing in your pants part, well, that sounds less fun. But if you have kids, it's a reality :)

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    1. There should be more warning about pregnancy and kids: WILL RUIN YOUR BODY IN WAYS A,B,C,D. I still would have had kids, but I would have been prepared.

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  19. Oh lawd, I feel like I have to pee already when I do speed rope jumps at CrossFit. I'm in trouble once I have kids! What a great story and derby sounds BADASS!!!

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    ReplyDelete

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